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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  May 13, 2016 1:34am-2:08am PDT

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and finally, meet lababy97. he's made hundreds of these videos so his family can see what he's up to. nothing wrong with that, except that in every single one, all he does is stand there posing without saying a word. it's very creepy. [slow r&b music] ♪ i have a lot of questions. so here with us now is lababy97. thank you for being here. how are you doing today?
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what are you so happy about? all right, two-part question: i don't want to jump to conclusions, but who are all those white women in the photos behind you, and do they know you're in their house? very informative. this has been great. thanks. good night and mega dittos to the audience member of the week. >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. thank you so much, everybody.
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i'm so excited our guest tonight a very talented writer and actor, here to tell us about his new list app, b.j. novak is here, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) first up, let's get to the big news out of england. the home of the royal family, big ben, and extremely british-sounding tv shows. that's not a real show, but you don't know the difference. this week, across the pond, history was made. >> we begin this hour with the historic election in london. labor party candidate sadiq khan is the city's first-ever muslim mayor. >> trevor: wow, chark congratulations, my man. electing the first muslim mayor say huge monumental step for the city of explond to be honest, our culture as a whole. plus, now everyone in your city gets to have a mayor whose name sounds like a move in "street fighter." sadiq khan! sadiq khan! sadiq khan. it's such a momentous occasion. even donald trump has gotten caught up in the excitement. this is true. on monday donald trump said if the new mayor of london wants to
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come to the u.s., the muslim ban wouldn't apply to him. that's how much donald trump loves winning. he was like, "i know you're muslim, but you're a winner first." ( laughter ) there's only one problem with donald's generosity. >> today, khan rejected trump's potential offer. >> i think donald trump has ignorant views about islam. it's not just about me. i don't be the exception. >> the mayor of paris visited london yesterday, and she was asked about trump as well, and, boy, she did not hold back. >> he's very stupid. mr. trump is so stupid. my god. my god. ( laughter ). >> trevor: that is so amazing. i don't even that's going to make trump mad or turn him on. just the way she said, "you stupid, stupid man. you are so stupid, so stupid." it's going to encourage him. "so stupid." but trump has bigger problems than mayors from countries he's
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never even heard of, because in life, only three things are certain-- death, adobe updates, and taxes. >> trump is under fire from both sides of the aisle for not releasing his tax rushz. >> trump's tax troubles-- will he or won't he release them before the election? >> and what about his taxes. so you got to ask yourself yurs why doesn't he want to release them? yeah, well, we're going to find out. >> yeah! yeah! you go, hillary. whoo! i'm loving this. and hillary is just foreign find out what's in donald's secret tax returns because odds are he's probably keeping it in the same place she hides her goldman sachs speeches. so, i mean, this is all coming around, yeah, yeah. look, the truth is, this is not a legal question. every presidential nominee since 1976 has released their tax return in the interest of transparency. and now it's become one of those things that voters just expect. it's sort of like washing your
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hands after you take a dump. you don't have to do it. you can't get arrested for not doing it. but it's at least helps us know there's no lingering ( bleep ). you know? that's all it is. and of all the people to not want to release their tax returns, why donald trump? i mean, he's so proud of his tax returns. whenever he talks about them, he sounds like he's talking about sex. >> will release any of your tax returns for the public to scrutinize? >> well, we're working on that now. i have very big returns as you know and i have everything all approved and beautiful. i will tell you right now i have no problem giving my tax returns. it's a massive return. i would like to give my tax returns. at the appropriate time you'll be very satisfied. ( laughter ). >> trevor: actually, is it just me or does it sound like forplay way dude who can't get it up "i can't give it to you right now because i'm dealing with this thing with the i.r.s. but if i could trust me-- oh, man, you would refund so hard.
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if you had my tax returns your toes would curl!" now, look, look,in,ing this-- is tax, calm down, people! now look a tax return can tell i you a lot about a candidate, for instance, what is their real annual income in do they actually donate to charity? and how much tax cothey effectively pay? and do they like jazz? so many things you can learn. and right now, trump's refusal to release his tax returns is making news because he's the republican nominee. but people have been calling for his tax returns ever since he started flirting with the idea of running for president. and he's always had an excuse. for instance, here's trump and what he said in 2011. >> if i run you'll see what a great job because i'll do a full disclosure of finances. >> including your tax returns? >> we'll look at that. maybe i'm going to do the tax returns when obama does his birth certificate. >> audience: oh! >> trevor: that has nothing to do with other things.
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that's like a police officer saying i'm going to need to see your id, and gu, okay, but first show me your bellybutton. you know what? obama showed his bell bunt button. yeah, and it's an outy. ooh! just eight days after trump used that excuse, obama did release his birth certificate. in 2015 when trump was again asked about his taxes he came up with a new excuse. >> will you release your tax returns? >> we'll see what i'm going to do with tax returns. i have no major problem with it, but i may tie them to a release of hillary's e-mails. >> trevor: you mean the 55,000 pages of e-mails that she's given to the state department? quick, donald, think of a new skews. >> sure, if, the the audit is finished. i'll do it as fast as the audit is finished. i can't do it until audit is finish, obviously. nobody would put out their returns while they're being audited. i am always audited by the i.r.s., which is unfair. maybe because of religion, maybe
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the fact that i'm a strong christian and i have feel strongly about it and maybe there's a bias. >> trevor: yeah, that's probably it, donald trump, the i.r.s. said to itself,un" what? let's go after some strong christians. how about the adulterous two-time divorcee who refers to communion waivers as little crackers. yeah, we're going after that guy. that's what he calls communion waivers, crackers. oh, and by the way, one more thing. richard nixon actually released his tax return during an audit. so right now, donald trump, you're shadier than richard nixon. shadier than richard nixon. you understand what that means? you are shadier than richard nixon. that's like being a bigger piece of ( bleep ) than george zimmerman. that is what you are right now. and, donald, we know you take tax return disclosure seriously because you kept bringing it up
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during the last election. >> i think that mitt was hurt really very badly by this whole thing with the-- with the income tax returns. mitt has to get those tax returns out. april 1 is the time historically everybody gives them. if you didn't see the tax returns you think there's almost, like, something wrong. what's wrong? >> trevor: yeah, yeah. something might be wrong. like make mitt romney donated $1 million to the "take a wish" foundation. yeah, yeah. now, when you see a man duck and dodge and delay, you can only conclude one thing-- because we're asking him to expose the deepest part of his soul, donald trump is afraid. let's be honest, i don't like seeing him afraid. it's like seeing a cat without hair. so, donald trump, let me talk to you for a second. hey, donald. ( laughter ) what's going on, man? this isn't you! why are you afraid to release
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your tax return? why? nothing in these tax returns can hurt you? nothing hurts you. you're the new teflon don. the only thing that sticks to you is whatever bronzer you use. come on, donald! what could possibly hurt you? what could the returns possibly say that maybe you pocketed half of the $6 million you supposedly raised for veterans or maybe that you made a sizable donation to planned parenthood? or maybe you have been writing off all your penis pumps all these years. we don't know what's in them. but no matter what it is, nothing hurt you, donald trump. come on. you are the same guy who said mexicans were rapists, called for a ban on muslims and still watched your polls go up. every day you go out in public wearing a pile of spaghetti squash on your head with confidence. and right now, right now, donald trump this tax return is making you look weak. buffer know it, everyone is going to start tweeting the hashtag #weakdonald. and i don't want to see that. i don't want to see people calling you weak or #weakdonald
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trump @realdonald trump. come on, donnie, pull it together. pull it together. pull it together, donald trump. because we're on your side. hey, guys, make sure you tweet #weakdonald as much as you can. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) this is smith & forge. a superior hard apple cider inspired by the cider the pioneers drank. and they traveled this country... ...on foot. smith & forge. hard cider the way it's 'sposed to taste.
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and with touch id it does way more than unlock your phone. it logs you into things, like your bank account. see what i mean? it checks you into your flight. ooop, your phone! it pays for stuff like... (mouth full) doughnuts. how about chew then talk. it unlocks things for you. it signs documents for you. hey, you bought a boat! i bought a boat! i just said that. and it does this. yeah, it starts your car. so now we're just starting cars with our fingerprints. just. whoa.
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♪ life can be so fair ♪ ♪ let it go on and on ♪ ♪ blow out that cherry bomb... ♪ ♪ ...for me ♪ ♪ blow out that cherry bomb ♪ thank you so much. did you say honey? hey, try some?
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you know i'm always looking for real honey for honey nut cheerios. well you've come to the right place. mind if i have another taste? not at all mmm part of a complete breakfast kids, juicy fyeah.gum with starburst flavors? (mmm...) (mmm...) (zipper noise) (zipper noise) (baby rattle shaking) juicy fruit so sweet you can't help but chew. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: welcome back. say what you will about donald trump-- oh, and we will-- he has inspired a lot of new voters, including one group you might find surprising as jordan klepper reports. >> donald trump, he captured the hearts of the w.w.e., meated loaf, and finally america. now he's inspiring a whole new group-- mexican immigrants. >> naturalization applications have gone up 15% largely among latinos. >> believe it or not, trump is actually energizing a surge of immigrants who want to join
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america to make it great again. i headlined out to see fraepped. did donald trump inspire you to vote this year. >> yes. >> how do you feel. >> exciting. >> why are you excited? >> because of donald trump? >> so that's why you're voting for him? >> no, i'm not voting for him. he doesn't like people other than white people. >> donald trump is ( bleep ). >> skews me. he's making america great again. >> no, no, that's ( bleep ). >> that's why everybody is here because donald trump brought us all together. >> to vote against him ( bleep ). >> what's happening. >> they're fast tack people to want to become citizens so they can go and vote against donald trump? >> that's exactly what's happening, political commentator: >> it's an immigrant invasion. you see mexico conspiring with the democratic party to try to get a wave of illegals and quickly give them voting rights so that they can vote against donald trump. >> how scary is this? >> it is scary, because there are 12 million illegalim grant. this would absolutely sway the course of the election. >> wow, so liberal do-gooders
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are popping up citizenship clinics everywhere, and their sole purpose-- to dump trump. why are mexican immigrant mad at donald trump? >> because he's going to build a wall. >> and who is he going to make pay for that wall? >> mexico. >> high five. >> and how is he going to do it? >> gotta think there for a second. what did he say he was going to do? ( laughter ) i'm not quite sure on the whole process, but he has it all figured out. >> okay. until future president trump builds the wall, voter mill organizers like tabatha martinez remain a real threat. >> we're helping residents become citizens. >> so you're bridging a gap between latin and americans, like pitbull, like mr. worldwide. >> no, we're providing a path to citizenship. >> you are helping illegal residents vote in the elections. >> we're helping legal
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residents. these aren't new people coming into the country. >> okay, then i'm sorry about building this wall legal or not, trump knows these banditos can't be trusted. >> they're taking our jobs. they're bringing drugs. they're bringing crime. they're rapists. >> they're felons, they're exfell pons there's a very high percentable of those people coming over which is what donald trump was troaferg. >> just for comparison purposes, what percentage of the regular american populous are criminals. >> crimes like jaywalking or speeding or actual crimes. >> like mexican-sphiel crimes. >> i would say maybe 18% of the american population. >> what percentage of mexicans do you think are criminals? >> 55% to 60%. >> most of these guys are criminals. >> i wouldn't say most of those guys were criminal. >> you said 60%. >> yes. >> but not most. >> no. >> how do you define "most?" like more than 50? >> well, it's a soft number.
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i mean it could be ( bleep ). >> it could be. >> it is. immigrants are actually less likely to be criminals, but whatever. they're coming at us with a much more dangerous weapon. >> the people that naturalize are more likely to vote than the u.s.-born citizens. >> dear god! mexicans really are taking the jobs americans don't want to do, like voting. i needed to see how prepared these criminals were to steal our elections. what are some of these questions that are on this test. >> it's like, "how many amendments does the constitution have?" >> easy two, one for each gun. >> no. >> yeah. >> 27. >> that doesn't sound right. prove to me you're not a criminal right now. you're criminal very much. give me this ( bleep ). >> i was tired of arguing. it was time to end this problemo before it was too late. voting is over-rated. say that with me. voting is over-rated.
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cool, people poop don't vote. you know what they do donetsk? they have sex and they do drug. why do you want to be an active citizen. >> 30 years i worked here. >> you're working too hard. you're trying to be american, not james franco. >> no! >> god, i couldn't get through to these people. they insisted they weren't criminals. they weren't rapists, and they weren't stealing our jobs, like james franco. and i was tired of arguing. so i figured if you can't beat them, use them. any of you guys ever taken an improv class? vaminos. immigrants may not help trump become president, but they can at least help me take a well-deserved break. >> for "the daily news" i'm jordan klepper, suiting up and signing off. >> "the daily show," it's called the "the daily show." do you not watch this? i thought we were international now. do it again. ( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: jordan klepper, everybody, we'll be right back. (man) hmm. what do you think?
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( cheers and applause ). >> trevor: thank you so much. thank you. welcome back. my guest tonight is a comedian, writer, and cocreator of the webby award-nominated app list. please welcome b.j. novak. ( cheers and applause ) how are you? >> how you doing. >> good, great. >> trevor: thank you very much for being here.
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>> thanks for having me on. >> trevor: you have such an interesting illustrious career. graduated from harvard. >> thank you. >> trevor: wrote, executive produced and acted on "the office." >> yeah. >> trevor: which a lot people know and love you for. ( cheers and applause ) acted in "ipglorious baft orde s well." >> i've had a good run. >> trevor: it seems like your run is continuing. you write, your brother rights and your dad air force writer for reagan. >> he's a ghost writer he writes for ghosts. >> trevor: i love the idea that he's writing everything out. "this is what he would say." >> it would be a great thriller, a great horror movie. my father say ghost writer so when you read a memoir of someone who is not naturally a writer, he's the one who interviews the person and then kind of writes it in their voice. it's a lot like acting i've come to realize in that you're
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channeling a character and writing as that person. he wrote nancy reagan's book. very exciting for me as a kid he wrote magic jordan's book. >> trevor: was magic at your house? >> i went to magic's house. and not once did he say, "this is where the magic happens." you can believe that. just missed that whole >> trevor: i hate people who miss those opportunities. your name is b.j., i'm sure you-- ( laughter ) >> you know when it's right in front of you, you can miss it. >> trevor: you can see how that happens. i can see. don't worry, we'll edit that out. ( laughter ) now you've moved on, though. you're still writing stuff for the future, you're still acting here and there. but you having into the tech world with this new app list. >> yeah, it's been really exciting. so i had this idea that we all have lists-- i was talking to you backstage and i wanted to know who were the cool comics at the comedy cellar these days. that's probably a list you have e-mailed to people.
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>> trevor: i wouldn't e-mail it to them, i would text it or tell them. >> exactly. that's the kind of thing where i thought it would be cool-- we all have a list-- list >> trevor: top five. >> yeah, it would be great >> trevor: top five. >> top five, right. we now go through your top five versions >> trevor: top five. >> it started with that, that people could recommend. and after we launched it, i realized what people really love about social media is it's a nice, clean place to ( bleep ) around. now there are over 150,000 people on it. there are over 250,000 lists made. and a lot of them are from places like the "new york times" or anthony bourdain, and they have really interesting recommendations and stuff. but the vast majority receive just people that are really pouring their hearts out, what it's like to survive cancer, or how to get over a breakup. >> trevor: what i found interesting, though, is people
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can comment. why would you allow comments? like, comments are the most hateful thing that has ever-- >> i'll tell you something and maybe the audience can change it tonight. but it's been the most overwhelmingly positive place i have seen online. i think it's because we started with a really small friewp of people that expanded naturally. the comments-- i have never seen a place that has more positivity as an epic in terms of the way people comment. people are making suggestions on lists. it's not like your comics are wrong. they'll say, "here are my favorites. we have two full-time community people keeping an eye on that, but so far it's been an incredibly positive, helpful community. >> trevor: you have some interesting people in the community as well. for instance, i saw snoop dogg list. and it was-- i actually have it here. >> this is what >> trevor: about butt it's not what you think. >> it's not what you think. and as much as it's funny, this is when i knew the list app was going somewhere interesting when snoop dogg-- apparently he loves
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texts. someone said invite him to the beta. i sent him to the invite and he posted a list. when snoop makes a list of five favorite herbs and they don't include weed, you know you're in for a bunch of surprises. >> trevor: or maybe he porgot. sometimes-- >> and yet he remembered oregano. i don't know. >> trevor: it really is fun. i hope you keep the comment section positive because we need that. >> it's going great and that's one of my favorite things about it. >> trevor: b.j. novak, everybody. ( cheers and applaus
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you can make your own. i tried it and the nickname he gave me was "third world trevor." i kind of like it. it has a ring to it. definitely try it out. here it is, your moment of zen. >> holy ( bleep ) hill we can bring us together as one nation. indivisible, with liberty and justice for all! ( cheers and applause ) central ♪ ♪ (cheers and applause)


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